Tuesday, December 06, 2011


Sheesh its been a long time. Been doing a lot. Photo shoots, photo shoots and more photo shoots all the while the kids still had soccer practice because the weather was so nice...that was something I didn't plan for. Greg has been working a ton with Matt Townsend and few other companies.
Gabe has been going thru a lot with bullies at school, to standing up to them, realizing he is loved and is amazing. I set up a night for him to invite a bunch of friends to come over and play games outside and in. He had a BLAST. Since then he has felt like a million bucks and feels loved again. Since 2nd grade Gabe has told me he gets bullied and at times will cry himself to sleep. I haven't really understood it because he can play a victim role. Kids do say the meanest things and then he takes it to heart. He isn't the toughest kid because he has feelings and that for a boy, in this world is wrong. I hate that. If Gabe can keep his true self thru all these growing years he will be one amazing missionary, friend and husband. I love him to death and hurt for him so much. I hope that the Lord will continue to guide in what to do and say.
I'm not sure how Gabe will feel knowing that I put this on my blog but its my journal. Dang, I should go private. Because the next item of business is that Bryn starting her period. She is 11. 11, are you serious. She is my baby and plays pretend. It was really weird for her not knowing whats going on with her body and all the while I am trying to explain everything to her in a way that she can understand. She stayed home from school...she didn't know how to walk with a pad. It was awkward for her. I just love that girl.
What else has been going on. Ummm, Greg ran over his computer with the Tahoe and surprisingly it was fixable. He just had to replace the screen.
Isaac is doing good in school he can now sing his ABC's that made me a little worried when he couldn't do it but he's totally rocking it.
Elyse has been reading, big books like FableHaven and is now onto Arogan.
Beckam is Beckam he is just always running around. He loves to help with the dishes he gets the pots and pans out and puts them all over the kitchen.
And a little about me. I've been struggling. I don't find joy. I know the prophets talk about it all the time, that we should all find joy in our trials...weird, I know. I wish I could be happy but there is a part in my brain that really focus on the negative. That is the one character flaw that I hate about me. I've also been struggling with going to church. I don't enjoy it. This ward isn't the best ward. I keep to myself because honestly I don't want people to talk to me...I might cry. I don't like doing that. Ha! I'm struggling with my relationship with my Savior. Because while growing up I've not really had a an awesome father figure but in his defense he didn't know how to be a father when he had a crazy mom. Chasing him around the room with a butcher knife. But I'll figure it out.
Today, I was talking with a friend who has been going to therepy and she mentioned that I need to retrain my brain's thought process (duh, I already know that) but there's a chemical in the brain that actually triggers the thoughts and makes it commen for me to think half empty. So the suggestion was anytime a negative thought comes in I need to instantly change it with a positive. Duh!!! I did this about 4 years ago and it was awesome. But now with life's circumstances getting in the way it has messed with my brain again. I feel that I have a long road ahead of me but I know with small steps I can do it. For instance, today I went to the temple, it was actually a struggle to get there but I made it. While there I was feeling anxious and thinking of all the things I have to do and if they could hurry up I will be fine. I took a deep breathe said to myself RELAX you will be fine and I was. Maybe I need medication! Anyways. I'm very self conscious about being the Debie Downer but I've got to be real and then move on. Plus, you've got to share the REAL thoughts once in a while.

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